


Two dove's flying as one, completely in control.

by Oh_my_mikey_way



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Broken Heart, Cheating, Gay, M/M, Oneshot, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:56:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_my_mikey_way/pseuds/Oh_my_mikey_way
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Control is my one addiction, my true fascination.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two dove's flying as one, completely in control.

"Control. Who really cares? Who gives a damn?" He blared across the study hall.

"I do..." I whisper as the students begin to file out of the dreary school. "I care."

This is the part where you meet the protagonist, Gerard Way- five foot seven inches, one hundred and forty seven pounds. Eye color- brown. Of course, you can find out all of this by looking at his driving licence, but no matter. For you see, this is the part of the story where you are introduced to the person you're meant to sympathize with; to root for. 

There is nothing particularly special about Gerard Arthur Way, born and raised in Bellville, New Jersey by a Mr Donald Way and Mrs Donna Way. Gerard has a brother named Mikey, and was raised an Atheist. He attended Belleville highschool and now attends University in New York. Gerard has a part time job at a cafe on campus and boards at the school. 

You may think that all of this background information is irrelevant, but it is here to help you get to know the character, to relate. 

For example, Gerard has a Brother, perhaps if you, the reader, also has a nrother this makes you like Gerard just that little bit more.

Gerard Way is from New Jersey if you too, are also from New Jersey then congratulations, you have something in common. 

All of these things are details, mere details. Meant to flesh things out.

Just details.

Control is the way we convince ourselves that everything is okay, that we can make things better for ourselves, and for others. It allows us to gain hope about impossibilities and to cherish our days, to use them wisely because it makes us think that we therefore have control over them. We think, in our puny little human brains, that if we choose to jump off of a cliff, and its out choice, then that means that we have absolute control. But who planted the idea in your head? Who made you think that you could do it anyway? why did you do it... To gain control? We are so wrapped up in thinking about ourselves that we don't notice the people around us. That is why we think that we have control, because we think that the decisions we make are our own, others do not factor into our decisions. Why? What makes us think like this? Everything we do is determined by some unknown force, you think that you want do it in order to gain control, but what is the reason you need to gain control? what has made you think that you have none?

Or should I say who?

Control.

This is an insight into the mind of Mr Way, to show you how he thinks during her everyday life. Again, to help you relate. 

Notice the use of 'Mr'? this implies that he is an adult, this may also make you think that he is a figure of authority, or at least, he want to be.

You see, this is how the story starts. Control, you could say, is the pinnacle of the story, or should i say, his lack of it, and I could say that you are right; But what fun would that be?

I have been thinking a lot about control recently; about the desire for control, why I crave it so much.

Control is my one addiction, my true fascination. We think that we are in control of our lives but really, we aren't in control at all, for example: we can't control when we smile, or cry, and I hate that. I hate the fact that I cannot control what I feel, I can't control the fact that I hate, and love and laugh and smile. They are all out of my control, I can't control life and death. But what would happen if i could control? If I could control my life, then whats the point of being alive? I would be nothing but a dead man walking, no excitement or love or passion... Nothing but the dull whir of life passing me by, moving on and leaving me behind, all alone, but completely in control. Without hatred, without self-loathing, because I would be in control. 

That's another thing I've been thinking about. I mean, whats the point of self-hatred? It seems so pointless, to be blessed with the gift of life when all you ever do is hate?  
But is life really even a blessing? we're so afraid of death, we can kid ourselves that we're not, but that's just stupid. Lying to ourselves like that. Whats the point? The reason that we're all so afraid of death is because we're so afraid of missing out on life. We're afraid because we continuously tell ourselves that life gets better, that there will always be something left to live for. All that life ever brings is fear, pain and anger, so why are we so afraid to let go?

But why do I even care? 

Why do I care so much about what people think of me? All I ever do is doubt myself because I am afraid that people wont like me, that i'll do something wrong or that i'll do something stupid. The worst bit is, no-body would even notice if I did. I have nothing to care about because no-body even knows who I am, i'm just 'that guy with the hair', I have no-body to impress. And yet I still constantly worry about my appearance, about my clothing choices and my eyeliner. I'm in University now, none of that even matters anymore, no-body cares and everyone just keeps to themselves. 

"I have no reason to care..." I whisper. 

"I'm sorry Mr Way, what was that? I'm afraid you'll have to speak up a bit." 

"um, nothing, but I think that the time is up, right?" I say as I sling my rugged, safety pin adorned backpack over my leather clad shoulder and rush out of the door muttering a quick goodbye.

"FRANK?? ARE YOU HOME??" i shout into the seemingly empty dorm room, secretly hoping that he wasn't, i couldn't deal with his cocky attitude and snide comments right now, Even if he was my best friend.

"what's up?" he says non-nonchalantly as he slinks into the living room, hips swaying seductively from side to side... 

This is the part where you meet Frank Iero, the love interest. The one man that has cause our dear Gerard so much heart ache over the past three years since he found out that he was in love with him. For these three years everything Frank has thought of, Gerard has not questioned, he has learn't to simply... Go with the flow. The possibility of Frank liking him back has never crossed his mind, so he keep himself quiet through the whole ordeal and try's to restrain himself from ravishing the handsome man while he's chopping carrots in the kitchen.

Shut up!! don't let him get inside your head...

God I love him... I love him so much...

His slender hips and strangely perfect smile.

His twinkling green eyes and pitch lashes.

I can't let him know... I have to throw him off track... He can't know.

He won't like me... He doesn't like me.

Little does Gerard know that he is thinking exactly the same thing. Apart from the swaying hips part... Gerard is stationary, unable to move at the sight of Frank.

"Nothing much i suppose..." I reply.

"How was the shrink?" He smirks.

"would you please stop calling it that!! You have no idea what it's like."

"How do you know? I have shit going on to, i'll have you know."

"You have everything. happily married parents, loving girlfriend, everyone likes you, good grades, nice personality , you have nice hair. EVERYTHING!! And you feel the need to rub it in my face at almost every chance you get, why??" you're making it worse Gerard... Stop. Stop now.

"I'm sorry.. Is that really how you feel? Did you know it actually terrifies me when you cry? Do you know why? It's because you are, in my eyes, one of the strongest people I know. I don't think I'm all that and my hair is ugh, i'm not that great, really." Oh my god you're going to say something that you'll regret.

"Yes you are, you're the exact person I've always wanted to be, the kind of person you always read about in books, the kind of person everybody looks up to. Not to mention you're incredibly good looking. Every night i fall asleep just wishing i could be at least a fraction of what you are, i'm really not that strong, i just know that if i let everybody see who i really am they'd all hate me, so i try so hard not to let my emotions leak out." I'm crying now, I don't want to be... especially not in front of him, but it's too late, i can feel the hot tears streaming down my face, and I see him start to walk towards me as i scream my words. 

"You are strong. So strong it scares me. It's amazing when you laugh properly, which believe me, I know you don't do that often. I'm way too self-conscious. I try so hard to make people like me it's unbelievable. I completely reinvented myself before I met you. Sometimes a part of the old me shows through, you can tell as well. It's the times when I get all uncomfortable." He says as he wraps his arms around my neck in a warm embrace. "I'm not perfect." He whispers as he plants a warm kiss on my unprepared lips, his eyes fluttering shut. I'm paralyzed... What should I do? should I kiss back? Oh my god I am going to pass out... I can feel an anxiety attack coming on...

"I-I'm sorry... Um, I should go..." He says walking away, shrugging on his worn out denim jacket, but just before he could reach the door I pushed him up against the wall, begging for a kiss.

\-----------------------

"YOU KISSED HIM?!" Esme screams in my ear.

"Um yeah, I suppose I did. It was... All i dreamed of and more, it was passionate, and loving,  
and gentle..." I sigh. 

"I don't trust him..."

"Why not? I thought you liked him!"

"I did, but that was before he kissed my best friend. Just don't do anything else, okay? I know you live together and everything... But relationships never last when they're purely sexual, you and I both know that..."

"Yeah... I know. God, this is too good to be true..."  
Esme sighs as she pulls a silver notebook out of her locker.

"C'mon, we're gonna be late for psychology." she say's as she drags me through the crowded hallway's.

That's all my life was... Crowded hallways, a facade of lies, cascading down empty spaces in my mind. I feel as if the crowded halls have been cleared, like the flood of tears that's always threatening to spill down my tinted cheeks. I don't know how, and I don't know what this means. All I know is that, for once in my life, I am happy. I constantly feel the need to protect, to lie to myself... But whats the point? I seem to think that it gives me control... But it really doesn't. It takes it away, because it means that I genuinely start to believe my own lies. And that's dangerous; it means that i no longer know who I am, I'm loosing myself... But I think I finally gained a piece of me back, I don't know how. But I know why.  
I have a new addiction now.

That's how I cope with things. I let them consume me, it's bad, I know, but it makes me feel as if I am in control. Even though I have done nothing but, it gives me a false sense of hope, of absolution. But False hope is better than nothing... Right? 

You see, Esme, she's all I've got. She has the ability to fix me when I break... But she also has the ability to break me so easily, and that scares me. It proves once again that I have no control, that i let other fight my battles for me, and I'd rather not.  
I've learn't to accept the fact that nobody would choose me over Esme, or Frank or any of my other friends. I know that. I know that I am nothing. But that doesn't stop it hurting... It doesn't stop me from crying myself to sleep at night, and it doesn't stop me self loathing, no matter how much I detest the concept.

I need people to fix me, and I hate it.  
"Mr Way, would you like to tell me the name of the man who invented the 'penis envy' theorem?" 

"Um... Freud?" Even though I knew that I was right, it seemed to come out like more of a question.

"Hmm, keep your eyes on the board next time Mr Way. Alright, class dismissed, don't forget about the lecture on client centered therapy on Tuesday, 1pm. Be there." 

"Frank, you in??" No reply. Hm, that's weird... He's usually home right about now...

"FRANK!" No reply. I am alone. And for once in my life, I find myself not wanting to be alone. I could go to Ariels... I haven't seen her in a while.

The door of room 592 swings open, and a plain girl with curly red hair, peircing blue eyes and a few freckles scattered across her porcelin skin stands before me.

"Um, hi." I say to the wild haired stranger, "Is Ariel home?"

"Sorry, not at the moment but she'll be back soon, d'you wanna come in? The names Skye by the way." 

You may think that the disappearance of both Ariel and Frank is irrelevant, but really, why are they both not at home when they were meant to be? Is there an extra study course? are they together? Or are they just running late? who knows. You see, its all in the details. Everything means something, you just have to be looking for it.

I hear the door click open, oh maybe Ariels home! And that's when I see it... That's when I see the smeared red lipstick and the writhing up against the wall. That's when I see the back of a red and black flophawk and the as the head turns, that's when I see the glint of a shiny lip right, and that's when I see the sparkling hazel eyes of my three year long love.

This is just another one. Another thing that i simply cannot control, the people around me, what they do to me, and how they make me feel. I cannot control how I feel at this moment because the feeling was not brought on by me, but rather by another person. I knew that everything was to good to be true, that somebody as perfect as frank couldn't like me as much I did him, but i convinced my self i was wrong,that he must do in order to speak to me that way, to touch me the way he did. And I hate that, my lack of control. I hate him for making me feel this way and I hate me for not being able to stop my reaction. 

 

But most of all, above everything, above it all, I hate her. That conniving, scheming, whiny little... BITCH. I can feel anger coursing through my veins and a hatred towards her that I... that I... I can't even put into words how I feel at the moment, I hate her for corrupting my innocent Frankie, and for turning him against me. In fact, I don't even know why I am using the word hate. It is simply not enough. I detest her. I loath her. I just cannot stand looking at her pale blue eyes and matted blue hair. She's not even that pretty, She's not even that nice. What makes her think she's better than me? What can she give him that I can't?

 

You see, this is how every 'sane' person thinks, they choose not to blame it on the one that they care about,that they love, but the one that they believe has made the other commit the act. Gerard seems to have made himself think that his little Frankie has done no wrong, and that it's all the fault of Ariel. But did Ariel even know that they were together? Frank did. Did Ariel know about the passionate kiss that they had shared the very night before? Frank certainly did. Did Ariel know the way Gerard felt about Frank? Maybe. But Frank defiantly did. This is just another way we trick ours minds, make ourselves feel like we have gained control of an uncontrolable situation. But we don't have control. We never truly have control. Gerard just needs to realize this, and maybe, just maybe, when and if he does, all of this self loathing and heart ache will come to an end.

 

Oh god, I feel like I'm going to throw up... To punch something and watch it smash to smithereens. To punch her with all my force and watch the red liquid run down her face as she falls to the floor, cracking open her skull. To rip the place to shreds with my bare hands, rip all the prissy little paintings off the walls. To... To cry... I feel like I'm going to cry, a salted flood of tears streaming down my unprepared face, and I hate that.

 

I feel one single tear trail down my cheek. Just one tear. But that one, single tear, holds so much sorrow. So much pain. And so much hardship. I can feel myself falling, that horrible sensation of falling. The kind you feel when you're in a nightmare or being caught doing something you shouldn't have been doing. I feel broken. I feel torn, ripped apart. After I felt so whole. After he made me feel so whole. Like I'm covered in crimson scars, blood seeping from every orifice, I feel my mouth turning to ash, a stale tart taste of resentment overcomes my taste buds. I feel that bitter sting of tears, and I collapse onto the floor. 

 

This is where we leave our protagonist. Heaving and crying on the floor. We are not here to say if everything turned out ok, or to find out the out come of the situation. We are not here to say what happened after this. That is not the point. Perhaps, if there even is a point, then it is that Gerard has never felt like this before, he has never felt such pain, such heartache, and that has to count for something, it has to.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed it, I've always wanted to write something like this but I assumed it would be really boring?? I dunno, I like it.


End file.
